This is something that I have wanted to get on paper & share with the world for a while now. After having a great time taking full advantage of a snow day, which is extremely rare for where we live. Everyone is all tuckered out & ready for bed early, leaving me a great opportunity to just that. I don’t have a spectacular tutorial to dazzle you with, or any wise parenting advice to share with you. What I do have to share with you is realness. A genuine transparency & a chance to connect as human beings. I hope you enjoy.
“WE AIN’T GOT NO KIDS!!!!” used to be our motto & favorite saying in between another couple that we are close friends with. Yep, that was us! Two young people in love, feeling like we had the whole world, & all the time in it, ahead of us. It is such a great thing to be young & have the freedom to do whatever you want to do! We loved it! We loved it so much, that maintaining that feeling was what we wanted in life. KIDS?! NO WAY!! We were never giving up our freedom to be tied down with children. We didn’t want to be “those” people, the people that had their identity consumed by being parents.
I’ll have to admit that when I found out that I was pregnant, I was a tiny bit devastated. I felt like my life was over. My thoughts immediately focused on what I would lose. I had to give up all the “fun” of going out to the bars and drinking. I had to quit smoking. I had to give up the pursuit of a career, & I had to give up the freedom to be as selfish as I wanted to be. I felt like a sixteen year old girl who had unintentionally gotten pregnant & “ruined the life that I had before me”. Except, I wasn’t sixteen. I was quickly approaching thirty & (unknowingly) needed to do some changing.
It took me a good few months to come to my senses & begin to feel a little joy about the life that I had growing inside of me. Slowly, but surely my mind and heart began to open like a morning glory basking in dawn’s first light. At this point acceptance was such a relieving feeling, then came full surrender to God’s plan for motherhood. Not too many days after accepting the impending changes coming in life, something went wrong. I sat down on the toilet to pee & realized that I was bleeding. I just “knew” that I was having a miscarriage. I immediately called my mom, who confirmed my suspicions. Devastation washed over me once again. How could this happen? After finally coming to terms with the fact that I DID want to have this child, & I DID want to be a mother, the opportunity I was given was suddenly being snatched away. This was real devastation, not the immature, selfish emotions that I experienced upon discovering that I was pregnant. I was too shaken up to drive myself to the hospital, & it would be a couple hours before my husband could get to me. So I waited. That was possibly the worst two hours of my life. We finally get to the hospital, only to face more waiting. What I knew was going to be the worst day of my life, suddenly turned joyous at the arrival of good news, that I did not expect to get. We had not lost the baby! & I was free to again bask in the newfound joy that I had in knowing that I was going to be a mother.
It was all (well, not all) uphill from there. Aside from the horrors of being uncomfortably huge, I thoroughly enjoyed the rest of my pregnancy, mentally & emotionally preparing for motherhood & the immense amount of joy & love that would take over my heart. My baby girl is now two years old, & from the very moment I saw her, I knew that she was the best thing that could have ever happened to us! I don’t mean to be corny, or cliche, but it is just the honest truth. Not that my life with my husband pre-baby wasn’t great. It was totally great! We would often look at each other & say “I love my life with you babe”. But having a child let us in on something we would never have been able to experience without her. I remember telling my mom that we didn’t want to have children. Her response was “If you don’t have any kids you will never know how much I love you.” Then I shrugged it off, thinking that it must be some corny mom thing that didn’t pertain to me. Now I know. Once again, my mom was absolutely right. There is no love like the love that a mother or father has for their child ( I believe that this is why God calls us His children, but we will save that for another day). Not only has our beautiful daughter, Onyx, given us the ability to experience this massive love & joy, but she has inspired us to become better people. Becoming a mother has helped me start to understand unconditional love. Selfless love, where you don’t just say that another person’s feelings & needs are more important than your own, but you actually live it every day. Motherhood has brought me a sense of patience that I never had before. It has brought me a toughness & a willingness to endure things I never thought possible (natural childbirth tends to do that to women, lol). It has given me a reason to stop procrastinating & get off of my ass & do better at life. Because she is watching me-I can try to tell her what is right & wrong, but it will never mean anything if my actions do not match. Most importantly, motherhood has given me confidence, which has been what I was always missing in life.
I would love to say that the moral of this story is “Have kids, even if you think you don’t want any. Because you are wrong & they are the greatest gifts ever!!!” But, there is no moral to this story & only you can make up your own mind (unless you’re like us & God says “Nope, you don’t get to choose. You are indeed pregnant.”). I just wanted to share a little bit of my heart with you. I hope you enjoyed it, & the photos from our lovely snow day.
With our love,
P.S. My “Weird Mother” shirt is one of the many awesome designs by Drawings By Nicole.